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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24433276">Drowning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesseyJamez_ShadowHunter/pseuds/JesseyJamez_ShadowHunter'>JesseyJamez_ShadowHunter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rescue, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Magnus Bane, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:20:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,196</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24433276</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesseyJamez_ShadowHunter/pseuds/JesseyJamez_ShadowHunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has been keeping a secret from his family, from himself even. He's sick, disgusting. An embarrassment to the family. He's supposed to be the perfect big brother, a role model. A pillar of strength. </p><p>One day, Alec makes a choice. The repercussions are set to change his life forever. One moment you're downing, the next, you're learning to swim.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Trope Celebration Event</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi guys!</p><p>This is for the Hunter's Moon Discord Server that I'm gratefully part of. This month we are doing a Trope Celebration!<br/>I'm not 100% sure if it counts, but to me this is a Rescue trope. It's a bit of a stretch I know, but I was so inspired to write this for the trope celebration that I just had to do it! </p><p>This is only my second fic, and my first one shot. I'm not very good at editing down things, I just want to keep writing and writing. So short form is not my forte.</p><p>Thank being said, please, let me know what you think! I'm still learning so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! </p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide Attempt, Implied/Reference Self-Harm, Mental Heath Struggles. <br/>It was pointed out to me in the comments that I should put a Trigger Warning in the notes, and I completely agree. It was a total oversight on my part that I didn't do this from the very beginning, and I am deeply sorry to anyone who read this before I added this warning that might have been triggered. I offer you my sincerest apologies! </p><p>Without Further Ado,<br/>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> Freezing Cold. </em> This is the first thought that blearily enters Alec’s mind as he gradually regains consciousness. <em> I failed, </em> is the second thought. Pain courses through his body, it’s the first thing he’s felt in months. For a brief flicker of a moment he feels alive again. It’s a sickening irony.<br/>
<br/>
Desperate, he inhales deeply, fighting against his body’s natural reaction to the contrary. Immediately his lungs feel like they are on fire and he begins to cough in protest, forcing the last of his air out. His body’s next reaction is to inhale deeply once more in a desperate reflex to survive. He doesn’t fight this reaction; he just lets it happen. Creating a cycle that causes his adrenaline to surge in his veins. His body begins to convulse as it fights with itself. <em> A tragic whirlwind. </em> <em><br/>
</em><br/>
The pain quickly begins to numb. His eyes flutter open and he looks up to the glassy ceiling above him, seeing the sun stream in one more time. His vision begins to cloud, a darkness encroaching from the edges as his body begins to still. As the numbness slowly spreads over his body he uses the last of his moments to think about his siblings. Jace, Izzy, Max. He knows his selfishness will probably cause them pain for the rest of their lives. This is a guilt Alec has come to accept, he just hopes that in time they can forgive him. His only regret is not being able to see them grow up. Graduations, vacations, marriages, nieces and nephews. He’ll miss it all. As a big brother he was supposed to be strong, perfect, fearless; he’s supposed to be there, their rock. He can’t be that for them, he never could. They will never get the chance to know the real Alec, and that’s really for the best. They don’t need to know that their brother was sick. That he was a failure. <em> An embarrassment. Disgusting. </em> His tears mix with the salt water. The only evidence of their existence is the heat that radiates around his head, like a halo. One last shiver wracks his body before completely stilling. <em> I wish the ocean was warm. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Finally the sun is snuffed out and the world goes dark. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> Pain. Cold. Darkness. Breeze.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> A Breeze? </em> That can’t be right. Something has gone wrong. He should be enveloped by nothingness right now. Gone to the world. Something is terribly wrong.<br/>
<br/>
A distant, murky sound is trying to break through but it’s so very faint. As is the dull pressure on his chest. The pressure oscillates in a rhythmic, almost comforting pattern. He feels a warmth wash over his face. When it reaches his lips it’s as if he has been electrified. His body wretches forwards and he’s suddenly coughing and convulsing once more. Water spits up from deep within his chest. This time his body finds the oxygen it was so desperate for. In between hacking coughs he takes in deep gasps of air.<br/>
<br/>
The world comes rushing back to him and his eyes snap open. The sun seemingly rising once more for him. His eyes begin to focus, and he finds himself gazing up to the bridge he was stood on only minutes ago. It feels like an entire lifetime. He blinks and shifts his body. <em> Sand. </em> He’s on the shore directly below the bridge. <em> No. No! This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was supposed to be the end! He was supposed to rid the world of his burden.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Alec’s eyes begin to dart around frantically, desperately searching for answers. He looks to his left and he finds them in a pair of fearful golden-brown eyes staring back at him. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you ok?” The voice is cautious, hesitant. There is a wonderfully comforting quality to it that mollifies him.  </p><p> </p><p>Alec doesn’t reply, he’s not sure if he can, he just lets himself get lost in those eyes. Filled with so much fear but also so much warmth. He’s sure he has never seen eyes filled with such care and concern before. Certainly not from his parents. He’s wholly undeserving of it. It makes his heart throb in his chest. He swallows and blinks back tears he wasn’t aware had begun to form. </p><p> </p><p>“Say something. Please.” The voice is more desperate now, almost pleading. </p><p> </p><p>He tries to speak but this results in another coughing fit. After a few moments the fit subsides and he tries again.<br/>
<br/>
“Wh-What did I, did I do?” His voice is raspy and dry.</p><p>The man looks at him before carefully replying, “I saw you jump.” The man swallows thickly and looks away. “I was walking on the beach and I noticed you on the edge. I thought you were just trying to get a good selfie or something. But then you…” The horror returns to the man’s eyes as he finishes, “You jumped.” The man’s eyes are wide, and he reaches out to gently grab Alec’s wrist. “The next thing I saw was you struggling under the water. I thought maybe you broke something in the fall. I jumped in…”<br/>
<br/>
Alec notices tears streaming silently down the man’s face. He reaches up weakly and hesitantly goes to wipe the tears away. The man’s eyes widen further and lock on to his wrist as Alec slowly pulls away. It takes only a moment for Alec to realize the man has noticed the scars that litter his inner forearm. His coping mechanism. The reason he wears long sleeve shirts. <em> An extension of his shame. </em> He jerks back and hurriedly pulls his sleeve back down. It must have ridden up in the water, or when he was seemingly dragged on shore.<br/>
<br/>
“Why?” The man is searching Alec’s face, sorrow in his eyes. </p><p>Alec’s not sure what compels him, but he tells the man the truth. Maybe it’s spurred on by the near death experience. Maybe he trusts him, he did save his life after all. Maybe he sees something in his eyes that tells him it’s alright. For the first time in his life he feels the crushing weight of his secrets lift when he looks into those honey eyes and it’s as if he is breathing in for the first time. He locks eyes with the man again and allows himself to really <em> look </em> for the first time. </p><p>Soft bronze skin is covered in beads of ocean water. A look of concern is affixed to the most beautiful face Alec has ever seen. Sharp defined features are softened at the edges by compassion. The man was apparently wearing makeup around his eyes before he hit the water because Alec can still make out the dark lines, now smudged. He finds it absolutely alluring, and honestly fascinating. The man is crouched beside him, wet clothes clinging to every inch of his body and Alec’s mouth goes dry. Out of habit he chastises himself for his thoughts. Alec’s never been much for fashion at all, but even he can tell the man is dressed very fashionably. He feels a tinge of remorse at the thought that this man’s clothes are soaking wet because he jumped in the water to save him. To save him. This man, this gorgeous man <em> saved </em> him.<br/>
<br/>
Finally he drags up the courage to utter two words. The two words he has never been able to say out loud. Not to anyone. Not to himself. Until now. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m gay.” He says simply.</p><p> </p><p>And suddenly, with those words out, it’s as if the weight of the world lifts off his shoulders. Finally, after 16 years of life, 2 years of internal struggle, self-loathing, hiding until he could no longer recognize himself, finally he feels…comfortable. <em> Free. </em> And it feels so fucking good. The man gives him a knowing look and reaches out to cup his jaw. It’s so gentle, far more gentle than Alec ever thought possible.<br/>
<br/>
He lets out a shaky sigh. <em> Relief. </em> It’s overwhelming and before he can stop it, he is laughing. Actually laughing. <br/>
<br/>
The man rubs small circles into his cheek with his thumb and Alec does something he never thought he would. Never thought he <em> could. </em> He leans into it.<br/>
<br/>
“Oh, darling. Feels good doesn’t it? To let it out.” The man asks warmly.<br/>
<br/>
Alec nods in response, almost giddy. The pain isn’t gone, the demons are still there, he can still hear them screaming, even now, but he can’t make out their words anymore. Not over the voice of his guardian angel.<br/>
<br/>
“What, uh, what’s you name?” Alec asks. His voice is more sheepish than he intends.<br/>
<br/>
The man smiles wryly, “Magnus. Magnus Bane. And you are?”<br/>
<br/>
“Alec. Uh, Lightwood. Alec Lightwood.” He stumbles over his words. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Alexander, </em> ” Magnus purrs and it makes Alec’s heart race. “Well, don’t ever scare me like that again. You’ll give me grey hair darling. That’s not a look I’m going for.” He laughs lightly.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m, uh, sorry. I’m so sorry.” Alec begins to apologize, but Magnus places his index finger over his lips to hush him.<br/>
<br/>
“You have nothing to be sorry for darling. I’ve been where you are now. From this moment on you no longer apologize for who you are. You get to live Alexander. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.” He offers Alec a comforting smile.<br/>
<br/>
Alec lets the words sink in. These are the words he has hoped to hear his entire life. And they are coming from his guardian angel. <em> Magnus. </em> And he knows what Alec’s been though. Wait, he knows, wait…<br/>
<br/>
“You’re gay?” Alec blurts. A blush creeps across his cheeks as Magnus chuckles at his bluntness.<br/>
<br/>
“No darling. I like to consider myself a ‘Freewheeling Bisexual!’ But I wasn’t always this way. I mean, I’ve always been bisexual, but it wasn’t until I admitted it to myself that Magnus was freed.” He ducks his head closer to Alec’s and lowers his voice. “You’re free now Alexander.”<br/>
<br/>
Silent tears, of happiness and relief, and thankfulness, begin to run down his face. He allows himself something in this moment, and he doesn’t second guess himself. Alec slowly brings his face closer to Magnus’. He’s close enough to feel their breaths mingle together. His heart is racing and his mouth is dry. He locks eyes with Magnus and that’s all the encouragement he needs. Suddenly his lips are on Magnus’ cheek, brushing the corners of their lips together ever so slightly. The touch is hot, searing his lips, but it feels so right. It’s delicious and it quells any doubts that are still lingering.<br/>
<br/>
He pulls back and he can feel the heat rushing up his neck and across his face. Magnus must notice his blush and laughs, his eyes crinkling at the corners. It’s the most beautiful thing Alec has ever seen.<br/>
<br/>
“Out of the closet for 2 minutes and already so bold! I can admire that in a man.” Magnus winks.<br/>
<br/>
They sit there for a moment smiling and giggling lightly. After a couple minutes Magnus motions to stand up before reaching a hand down for Alec. “C’mon darling. Let’s get you dry and checked out. That was one hell of a fall. But I’m always going to be here to catch you, if you’ll let me.”<br/>
<br/>
Alec’s breath catches and his heart skips. Gulping, he takes Magnus’ hand and nods.<br/>
<br/>
Alec’s not sure what will happen next, there are a lot of demons that need to be buried in the depths of that ocean, but when he looks over at Magnus and their smiles meet, he knows that Magnus will never let him drown. Maybe, just maybe, everything will be ok.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Drowning”</p><p>It’s four A.M. again<br/>
Father, forgive me this sin<br/>
Uncomfortable in this life, yeah<br/>
I can’t put down this knife, yeah<br/>
<br/>
I’m carving words in my arms, baby<br/>
Hey, scars are part of my charm, maybe<br/>
I need the touch of a hand<br/>
This isn’t what I had planned<br/>
<br/>
I need relief from this life<br/>
I wanna slip away into the night<br/>
Don’t wanna see the sun again<br/>
But can’t get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind<br/>
I wish the ocean was warm<br/>
I feel like drowning<br/>
<br/>
I’m losing my faith in me<br/>
I can’t remember the last time I felt free<br/>
From voices inside my head<br/>
When I taste liberation, they just feed me fear instead<br/>
<br/>
You say I’m out of control<br/>
At least I still have a soul<br/>
No, I don’t need your advice<br/>
Some compassion would be nice<br/>
<br/>
I need relief from this life<br/>
I wanna slip away into the night<br/>
Don’t wanna see the sun again<br/>
But can’t get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind<br/>
I wish the ocean was warm<br/>
I feel like drowning<br/>
<br/>
I can’t take any more of your pills<br/>
They hold my head up<br/>
But still it feels so wrong<br/>
I can’t believe the price that I’ve paid<br/>
For this chemically-induced, perceivably ideal, take-it-with-a-glass-of-water day</p><p>I need relief from this life<br/>
I wanna slip away into the night<br/>
Don’t wanna see the sun again<br/>
But can’t get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind<br/>
I wish the ocean was warm<br/>
I feel like drowning </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading everyone! It means a lot to me. As someone new to writing, any feedback or comments or criticism is welcome and encouraged. It helps me grow and get better.</p><p>Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! </p><p>Until next time, Caio!<br/>-Jessey</p></blockquote></div></div>
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